Claus Time Mystery Answered

Integrated Santa Studies (ISS), last week, released details of its new Claus Time theory - an explanation of how it is that Santa Claus manages to deliver the vast number of presents required in the small amount of time available.

For those in the field, it's a well understood problem, with a number of competing possible explanations.

Over the last few decades, researchers in the area of Claus Present Delivery have collected large amounts of data about what presents are delivered, and over what time period. Many questions remain, however. One of the great unexplained mysteries is how one being can, and does, deliver as many presents as have been counted each year.

There are a number of competing theories.

Some of the most popular, amongst the current leading researchers, rely on variants of the so-called Slave Labour premise. At the heart of the Slave Labour premise is the idea that, in order to achieve the amount of work recorded by experiments, and get all presents delivered, there must be "helpers" - proxies which perform the tasks required to get the presents delivered which are not, in fact, Santa Claus themselves. While details differ, the basic concept is the same... if Santa Claus doesn't have the time to complete the observed tasks himself, then someone or something else must be "helping", the argument goes.

Koster claims to have solved Einstein's Quantum Field equations in a way that allows for Santa Claus to be in more than one chimney at the same time

Other theories also invoke the concept of a technological solution. Some form of matter transference, proponents say, could explain the observed abilities. Opponents of the "Beam Me Up Scottie" theory, however, point to the wealth of drunk milk and cookie crumble evidence that points towards the existence of a personal delivery service. As Kris Watkins from the European North Pole Research Centre explains: "Why? No one has given any credible motive for a being such as Santa Claus using matter transference technology to remove milk and cookie matter from its target delivery addresses, just to fool their targets into thinking that he had personally visited them. I don't think anyone would need Santa to pretend - and I don't see any evidence that points to the fact that he does".

But ISS has a new idea, that promises to get a few tongues wagging. They point to Quantum Mechanics as the missing link in the theory, that no one else has considered yet.

At the Conference of Global Christmas Research Professionals, last week, George Koster of ISS revealed the team's new findings. While the details are complicated - basically, Koster claims to have solved Einstein's Quantum Field equations in a way that allows for Santa Claus to be in more than one chimney at the same time. More importantly, depending on your relative point of view, rather than seeing himself as being in more than one place at the same time - Santa Claus himself would simply see time as passing very slowly, therefore allowing him to complete his deliveries, from his personal point of view, in sequence.


This duel chimney/time nature of the energy that makes Christmas present delivery possible, is set to rock the world of Santa Studies. It is already being hailed as ground-breaking work and many are predicting a rash of new present delivery field solutions, on the back of Koster's announcement.

In an interesting twist, however, Sara Beacham, of the Telling Everyone The Secret Foundation used Koster's talk at last week's conference, as an opportunity to push her own, longer-standing, theory.

In a move seen by many as improper - Beacham took the floor during question time at Koster's lecture and started explaining to the audience why the new field equation solutions actually predicted many of the same things as her own favourite theory - known as The Secret.

According to eye witnesses at the lecture, Beacham spoke for more than 10 minutes, explaining to the other audience members the way in which the theory she has been helping to develop is supported by these new findings. "The theory" she is referring to is, of course, "The Secret".

She was heard to say "all of this Quantum stuff... that's what Rhonda and I have been talking about, all these years - all that we have ever accomplished or attained has been done in full accordance with this most powerful law".

While Beacham's behaviour was frowned upon, the connection between the mathematics of the Claus Time theory and The Secret is clear. Watch The Secret video (here) and you'll see for yourself... all of the same things that are shown to make it possible to control your own life's outcome - using the power of Quantum Mechanics and its non-local interactions - also make it possible for Santa Claus to deliver all of his presents, on time.

It's a remarkable connection - and while we don't believe in marketing other people's wares here at Beyond the Science, we think that maybe - while remembering the recent discovery of the clear connection between The Secret and Santa Claus - you would enjoy watching The Secret's Video Preview page.

Rhonda Byrde, also of IIS, is understood to be preparing a paper on the connection between Santa Claus and The Secret, as this post goes live. We will follow up with more details, here at Beyond the Science, as they come to light.

Fairy Remuneration - Size Does Matter

In a landmark study, released yesterday, by the Inner-West Centre for Hidden People (Fang Division) - a direct link has been shown to exist between the size of teeth taken by the Tooth Fairy and the amount of money left behind.

While previous research has hinted at a connection, no conclusive evidence has ever been put forward. Researchers in the field of Tooth Fairy Remuneration have had difficulty producing any first-hand evidence of the process actually occurring, and as such, no direct link has been able to be shown.

"You've got to understand the conditions these guys work under" says Dr Cuspid. "These are 'Hidden People'. It's in their nature for them to be invisible. Any experiment we set-up to view the process directly has either failed due to the random non-appearance of the entity, or has been interrupted by the presence of an unwanted foreign body - say, the child's parents".

All previous attempts to view the phenomenon have met with failure.

"This isn't just a limitation of our measuring equipment, or our ability... knowledge - it's actually dictated by the basic laws of para-normality"

As one of Dr Cuspid's students, Roy, put it plainly. "Fairies are difficult to see, even at the best of times. Even when we know they're there".

Many previous lab controlled tests have been run. "You see the tooth go into the suspension, you see the money in the morning - but we've never actually seen the transaction take place... that's the holy grail, of course".

Dr. Cuspid points out that some previous lab tests have worked. Two previous sets of experiments both bore positive results - where all others have failed. The only common factors so far noted between the two successful trials has been the proximity of the parents to the sleeping quarters of the target children - which has prompted some researchers to theorise that the Tooth Fairy's behaviour is effected by the location of the children's parents. Many explanations have been posited for this finding, including the requirement for quantum entanglement to be maintained between parent and child, in order for the Tooth Fairy to perform an exchange. Steward Horodecki's theory of quantum decoherence, as it relates to the non-local connection between parent and child, states that the connection is more likely to enter a state of decoherance when the relatives in question are separated by more than a certain distance. Dr. Cuspid believes it could be this decoherance that reduces the Tooth Fairies ability to remunerate in the absence of the child's parent.

Other commentators have pointed to the lack of filming equipment as the important factor in the experiments that showed positive results. Proponents of the "camera effect" point to anecdotal evidence that children trying to film the Tooth Fairy have always failed to get remunerated for their tooth, or have done so, at a later date, when not filming. Exactly what might cause this "camera effect" is not clear... but some have pointed to Quantum Mechanics as the final explanation for this effect as well.

Again, Dr. Cuspid explains: "Like in many areas of science, the evidence is there. We can see the inputs, and the outputs of the 'reaction'. We think of it like 'electron state jumping' - we can see the evidence, under labaratory conditions, carefully controlled labs, with open doors, parents in close enough proximity and no cameras running... we've seen the penomenon from beginning to end... but we'd like to set-up an experiment that allowed us to actually see the transaction taking place... that's why we need continued funding, to continue the great research we've seen to date."

"Any experiment we set-up to view the process directly has either failed due to the random non-appearance of the entity, or has been interrupted by the presence of an unwanted foreign body - say, the child's parents"

As evidence of the kind of work he's talking about, Dr. Cuspid points to the results of his most recent experiment - which shows conclusively, so he says, the direct proportional relationship between the amount of money delivered by the Tooth Fairy and the size of the tooth supplied. In one of his carefully controlled experiments - Cuspid's team meticulously measured the size of each tooth before it was left for the night, and recorded the value of the remuneration in the morning. In an innovative move, Cuspid's team managed to get in to measure the amount left by the Tooth fairy before the target child was woken - allowing the team to get more accurate measurements than any previous experiment.

The results show an unequivocal, direct link between Tooth size and value. However, opponents of the theory complain that Cuspid has failed to rule out other explanations for the relationship. Sue Saxby, head theorist for the Newtown School for the Study of Paranormal Beings says "How can we rule out an age relationship? This experiment completely fails to explain its results. Cuspid has refused to release the age data of the children tested... and I for one would like to know how old they were. The cause of the increasing value of the teeth could be far more elegantly explained by the increasing age of the children. Who knows. We will never know, because this data hasn't been included with the results".

Of course, Dr. Cuspid, a long-time proponent of the Proportional Price Correlation (PPC) theory, was not shocked by the results. "Of course, we've had to assume it was true up until now. If the results had come back negative... well, I would have had to question them basically. I mean - mine and a lot of my colleagues current theories are based on the assumption that the correlation exists. If this test had shown that there wasn't a correlation then, well, we would have found a different way to test it, basically.

It's nice to prove we were right, though. That's always a good feeling".

Welcome to Beyond

What is this?

Beyond the Science takes you to a place beyond all human understanding - to a place where anything is possible... and (therefore) nothing probable.

How do we know?

All of the science in these pages comes to you from our carefully selected panel of experts. Each one selected for their expertise in their relevant area:

• Nancy Townsman - Rabbit, Hare and Bunny Husbandry (Easter)
• J. M. Pan - Fairy Studies (General)
• Chuck Liebesman - Fairy Studies (Tooth)
• Lafayette Ron Hubble - Quantum Babble and Multi-Dimensional Poppycock
• Katherine Lee Sundblom - Claus Studies (Santa and Mrs)
• Grant Barrett - Naturopathy
• Amara Sainte-Laudy - Studies in HHO Memory
• Lex M Berman - Acupuncture and Ear Candling
• Edward Zimmerman - Magnetic Field Resonance and Fad Diets
• John Doe - Specialist in Misc. Studies (Cupid, Mother Nature, Father Time, Sandman)